Monthly Cleaning
by The Luna Complex
Summary: Roxas just wants to clean his room, but Naminé and Cloud just won't let him. Crack fic.


**Disclaimer: Don't sue me. You'd only get twenty cents and a few pieces of broken pocky.**

**Dedication: Yuffie! Because it's her inverted birthday!**

"All members of Organization XIII must have their rooms cleaned before dinner this evening."

"Oh, _joy_," Roxas, the newest recruit of Organization XIII groaned wearily at the voice of the Superior booming through the halls of The Castle That Never Was.

He looked around the small white room and sighed at the mess. This was going to be a long day. Axel's room was even worse than his so he wouldn't be around to entertain him.

Turning on some music for motivation, he set to work.

Roxas had managed to get all of his clothes into the closet and random assortments of objects on the bed to put away when the door to his room suddenly opened.

"Hi Roxas!" a small blonde girl Naminé called cheerily.

"Hi Naminé..." Roxas said warily. Naminé was notorious in the Organization for efficiently driving everyone, well, insane.

"What are you doing?" she asked cheerily, perching on his bed.

"Cleaning my room. You have to let me finish this or Xemnas will have my head," he answered sharply.

"I'll help!" she exclaimed happily.

_Don't say anything Roxas. Don't say anything or Xemnas will murder you in your sleep._

"It's okay, Naminé," Roxas said patiently, "You just have to let me do this, okay?"

With that, he set back to trying to organize the items on his bed.

"Roxas," Naminé whined, "I don't like this song. Change it."

_Why is she still here?_

"I like this song..." Roxas started.

"Change it to 'Butterfly!'" she interrupted, totally ignoring Roxas' previous statement.

"Fine," Roxas huffed going over to change the song.

_This song is so old..._

"AY-YI-I'M YOUR LITTLE BUTTERFLY!" Naminé began screeching dangerously close to Roxas' ear.

Roxas pinched the bridge of his nose.

_Xemnas will kill you. Xemnas will kill you. Xemnas will kill you._

Suddenly, the door to his room opened... again.

A tall blonde with spiky hair that looked strangely a lot like him only older and taller stood in the doorway.

"Cloud-o!!!!" Naminé shouted, running up to give the blonde a hug.

"Nami!!!!" Cloud Strife yelled, returning the embrace.

_WTF._

"Oooh, what's this?" Cloud asked picking up a pack of pink paintbrushes that came with the pink art set Marluxia gave him.

"Those are paintbrushes," Roxas explained patiently, ripping open the pack and putting them in a small striped case.

Naminé took one out of the case and held up happily.

"This one looks funny!" she giggled, holding up a fan brush.

"Naminé, please put that back. I'm trying to clean."

"Yay! Caramelldansen!" she exclaimed, tossing the brush carelessly aside as she began to do the little dance to it.

As Roxas bent over to pick up the discarded paintbrush, he heard a stack of... _something_ falling to the floor.

"Oops! I'll pick them up!" Cloud cried, bending over to the stack of birthday cards Roxas had recently received.

Every time he tried to put a card on the dresser, however, another one would fall down.

"Don't worry about it... Cloud..." Roxas hesitated, trying to remember the blonde's name, "I'll get them."

He walked over to the stack of cards and neatly piled them back up on the dresser.

"Ooh! What's this? It's so pretty!" Naminé exclaimed, plucking a peacock feather from the hat of Roxas' Robin Hood costume. (It was recently Halloween, and yes, they do celebrate Halloween in The World That Never Was.)

"Naminé!" Roxas yelled, his frustration starting to overcome him, "Please don't touch that! It's fragile!"

Roxas quickly rushed over to the Robin Hood costume and placed it all securely in the bag it came in and hung it in the closet.

"What's this?" Cloud asked, holding up a purple ribbon with a blue bell tied onto it.

"I'm not sure. Demyx called it a kitty collar... but you never know with him."

"I wanna wear it!" he whined, handing it to Roxas to tie around his neck.

"O...kay..." Roxas hesistated, bringing the ribbon around the blonde's neck and tying it loosely.

"Roxas," Naminé whined, "I don't like this song. Change it."

"Okay," Roxas sighed, heading over the to change the song.

"This good?"

"Noooo," Naminé drawled.

"This one?"

Naminé shook her head.

"How about this one?"

Another shake of the head.

"This one?" Roxas was becoming impatient.

"No. Let's listen to Jar of Dirt!" she cried happily.

_Why didn't you just say that in the first place?_

Naminé and Cloud were suddenly both jumping on the bed he was trying to clean, knocking everything down onto the floor.

"I'VE GOT A JAR OF DIIIRT! I'VE GOT A JAR OF DIIIRT! I'VE GOT A JAR OF DIIIRT! AND GUESS WHAT'S INSIDE IT?!" they both cried out in time to the song.

_Oh, Kingdom Hearts. This song is so annoying. The only reason it's in my library is because Demyx put it there. I have to stop letting him in my room..._

"Aww!" Naminé cooed happily. "Kitty!"

Roxas and Cloud turned to the door to see a small black kitten slipping in through the small crack Cloud left when he came in.

"Her name is Selena," Roxas explained to the hyperactive girl. "She was a birthday present from Axel."

"Ooh, what are these?" Naminé enquired happily, picking up a sheet of glow-in-the-dark ghost stickers as Selena calmly curled up in her little dome-shaped cat bed.

"They're just stickers," Roxas clarified sharply. The girl was driving him to his last nerve.

"Where did you get these?" she gasped excitedly, beginning to plaster them to random parts of his room.

"Lexaeus game them to me," he stated, ignoring the fact that his room was now covered in ghost stickers.

"I love Lexy!" she gurgled happily.

"I want you to wear it!" Cloud yelled out suddenly, holding up the 'cat collar' that had somehow come off his neck.

"No! I wanna put it on you!" he shouted angrily as Roxas reached out to take the ribbon, spontaneously storming out the room.

_Okay then... well, that's one less problem I have to worry about._

Maybe Roxas should have knocked on wood. Cloud quickly returned, small yellow plastic chair in hand.

_Where did that come from? Where did _he_ come from?_

"Sit," he commanded sharply.

Roxas sat. Cloud proceeded to choke Roxas with a purple ribbon.

"T-that's okay, C-Cloud," Roxas sputtered, "I think I can get it on myself."

"Naminé, Cloud," a booming voice called from Roxas' door, "It's time for dinner."

_Thank you._

"Roxas, I thought I told you to get this room cleaned." Xemnas drawled in his agonizingly slow voice.

"I've been trying, Superior," he grunted through clenched teeth, balling his fists.

"Don't come to dinner until your room is clean."

"Fine by me," Roxas mumbled under his breath.

He shut and locked the door as they left, fully intending to finish cleaning the room and get some peace for once.

After he finished quickly moving things about in his room to the point of it being an organized mess, Roxas collapsed in the black leather chair in the room and shook the now-covered-in-ghost-stickers computer awake.

A window popped up on the screen revealing a new IM conversation.

_**Gr34tNinj4 x3**__: Hey Roxas!!!_

Roxas signed resignedly and began typing back.

_**Key2Destiny: **__Hey Yuffie._

_**Gr34tNinj4 x3: **__Wassup??!?!!?!?!_

_**Key2Destiny: **__Naminé and this random blonde kid named Cloud came in my room while I was trying to clean it. Now Xemnas is pissed because I didn't get my room cleaned in time for dinner and I think I might shoot myself._

_**Gr34tNinj4 x3: **__Awwh, cheer up emo kid!_

_**Key2Destiny: **__You haven't seen him, Yuffie. He treats that Naminé girl like his own spoiled little brat of a daughter. I wouldn't be surprised if she was. You know... a lovechild between him and Saїx... if that's even possible._

_**Gr34tNinj4 x3: **__Sure it is. That's why you're currently pregnant with Axel's baby, Kadaj. And I, the Great Ninja Yuffie, and going to be the godmother._

_**Key2Destiny: **__Riiight._

_**Gr34tNinj4 x3: **__Anyway, back on topic, you need to get all the angst out, emo kid._

_**Key2Destiny: **__Stop calling me that._

_**Gr34tNinj4 x3: **__But it suits you perfectly! _

_**Key2Destiny:**__ …_

_**Gr34tNinj4 x3: **__Anywayyys. You should write it all out._

_**Key2Destiny: **__That was obnoxious. And why should I do that?_

_**Gr34tNinj4 x3: **__It's an outlet. If you want me to stop calling you emo kid then you should dump all your problems on a journal instead of me._

_**Key2Destiny: **__Journals are for thirteen-year-old girls with abusive fathers._

_**Gr34tNinj4 x3: **__Well, maybe you're a thirteen-year-old girl with an abusive father._

_**Key2Destiny: **__What the hell is that supposed to mean?_

_**Gr34tNinj4 x3 is away.**_

_**Key2Destiny: **__Yuffie!_

_**Auto response from Gr34tNinj4 x3: **__Roxas is an angst-ridden thirteen-year-old girl with an abusive father and an Axel plushie that he keeps under his pillow._

Roxas fisted his hands and banged them on the wood of the desk.

_Damn! No one's supposed to know about that!_

Roxas briefly glanced at the unused notebook sitting on the small bookcase next to his desk that Zexion had given him for his birthday.

It couldn't hurt…

Roxas clicked his teddy bear pen (another gift from Axel) into use and began writing.

"Hey Roxy!" a cheery voice called out from the doorway.

_Someone please help me._

Naminé bounded cheerfully into the bedroom, clad in a white shirt, purple camo pants, and the 'kitty collar'.

"What'cha doin', Roxy?" she asked, climbing on his back and looking over his shoulder.

"Nothing important," Roxas snapped, trying to deter the girl without actually upsetting her.

After a few moments of uncharacteristic silence, Roxas looked over at his bed where the girl was sitting.

"Naminé! Don't do that!" he yelped.

The small blonde was currently forcing the black kitten into her dome-shaped cat bed and pressing down on it hard.

"She's only a baby," he scolded, "You'll hurt her, and if you do that, Axel will be very upset with you. You don't want the big scary man to set you on fire do you?"

"No! I'm sorry, Roxy! Don't tell Axel! I won't do it again! I don't wanna be a burnt Nami-marshmallow! Pleeeaaaseeee!" she suddenly cried, falling to the ground and latching onto Roxas' legs.

_Oh, Kingdom Hearts. What have I gotten myself into? If Xemnas finds out I made her cry… well, I guess I'll be a burnt Roxy-marshmallow._

"Naminé," Roxas groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose, "It's fine. I won't tell him. Just leave Selena alone, okay?"

"Okee dokee!" she giggled, mood suddenly lifted.

Sighing, Roxas returned to writing out the story of his day. Well, he attempted to anyway.

"Rooooxaaas," Naminé whined, "I'm booored. I need you to play with me."

_Maybe if I ignore her, she'll go away._

"Ooh!" she giggled happily, picking up a silver bow that came off of the top of Selena's cat bed and sticking it on her head.

"Look, Roxy! I'm a present! You can open me up! Open me up, Roxas! Roxas, open me up!" she whined, poking the nonchalant Roxas still writing in his journal.

"Roxas won't open me up! Fine! I'll go get Xemnas to open me up!" she huffed, leaving the room.

_Finally, some peace and quiet._

Again, he should have knocked on wood. He could now hear Naminé whining from the bathroom across the hall.

"Roxas, I need toilet paper! Give me toilet paper! Roxas! Give me toilet paper! Roxas won't give me toilet paper! I need toilet paper!"

Roxas sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose yet again and continued writing.

"I'm coming Nami! I'll give you toilet paper!"

_Save me._

The blonde known as Cloud came running down the hall, clad in a turtle hat and one purple high heel, holding a roll of toilet paper.

"Hi Roxas!" Cloud called cheerfully, hobbling in the room unevenly.

_Maybe if I ignore him, he'll go away too._

"Arg wu sentafinticate nar dunderford!" a muffled voice came from the center of the room.

"What…?" Roxas asked tiredly, turning to face the source of the noise.

Cloud was currently wandering around the room blindly… with Selena's cat bed shoved over his head.

"What the hell?"

Cloud pulled the cat bed off of his head and stood on the plastic yellow chair Roxas neglected to remove from his room.

"Mork sawx ippen reeby yufftabar."

"Whatever you say," Roxas mumbled under his breath.

"Wentora yate paravillintiniay!" Cloud shouted angrily.

"Oh…kay?"

"Bida menti kosticated interserd."

Roxas shook his head and returned to writing.

_If I ignore him, he'll go away eventually._

"Look at me, Roxas!" Cloud giggled, poking him obnoxiously on the back of his neck.

Roxas exasperatedly turned around to see the blonde with a large size sticker plastered on his forehead.

"Right. You have fun with that," he mumbled, returning to his work.

"I wanna listen to Butterfly!"

"Oh no!" Roxas groaned holding his head in his hands.

"Cloud!" Naminé shouted from the doorway. "Naruto's on! I wanna watch it with Xemmy and Saїx!!"

"YAY!" Cloud yelled out, dashing out the door with Naminé and heading, most likely, to the Superior's room.

After a few moments of staring at the now-empty doorway, Roxas subconsciously put a hand on his stomach.

_I am _so_ not ready to be a mother._

**A/N: Oh, gosh. Luna's out of her fandom again! I wasn't planning on it being this long… haha. The ending's fantabulous, no? Pregnant Roxas? Happy inverted birthday, Yuffie!**


End file.
